I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
