It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
being pregnant is like rehab
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
