she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
