I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm like, not good at living.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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