No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
