I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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