hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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