So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
