i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My pussy is not your playground.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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