I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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