Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
