Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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