oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
