So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
