Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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