Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
