They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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