I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
