it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
