I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
