why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
