I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
