he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
