I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
