Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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