If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize