Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
