if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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