So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
