Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize