I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
