9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
40s are totally the cure
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
