Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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