How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize