I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My penis needs a shock collar
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
