i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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