im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
