I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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