Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Too much gin, very little bucket
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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