That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
