i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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