tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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