I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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