i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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