her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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