I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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