Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Houston, we have a blender
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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