i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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