This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
