did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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