went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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