ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
