maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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