mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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