someone threw a dead crab at me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
