Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Damn victory sex feels great
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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