someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize