u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize