the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
