Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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