if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
COCAINE IS GR8
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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